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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 1035

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. Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

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. Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

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. Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(are): 104

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. Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(are): 65

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. Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(to): 185

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. A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go home."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków( psychiatrist): 604

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. A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(young): 496

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. A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(psychologist): 314

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. What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(is): 228

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. Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka- boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lioni zed as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(bobby): 1821

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. General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing. When asked about his impressions, he commented: "No military precision in drill..." "Why?" "Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(heath): 313

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. A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?" "Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(retired): 154

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. During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home". Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(an): 550

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. There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions "What happened on June 6, 1944?" "We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!" "What was the turining point of wordl war 2?" "Battle of the bulge, sir!" "What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought "I don't know, sir!" The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birhtday"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(was): 453

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. A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 327

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. A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(little): 784

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. A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(couple): 423

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. What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 87

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. Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(i): 191

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. What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(brings): 55

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. Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp? He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 144

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. How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(does): 57

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. What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 99

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. How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(did): 69

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. One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(lab): 208

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. What do mice do when they're at home ? Mousework !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 56

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. What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty' !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(does): 78

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. What kind of musical instrument do mice play ? A mouse organ !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(kind): 68

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. Why do mice have long tails ? Well, they'd look silly with long hair !

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(do): 74

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. A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy. "It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million." "Fabulous," says the guy by the pool. "There's just one catch," his partner warns. "What's the catch?" "We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(movie): 517

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. How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

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. Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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. Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

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. Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

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. Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.

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. Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.

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. Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 195

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. Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 91

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. Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(): 92

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. An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(elderly): 1143

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. Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. "It's windy," said one. "No, it's Thursday," said the next. "So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(old): 276

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. An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(old): 548

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. For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 453

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. Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock." She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(said): 185

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. With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN." When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(four): 568

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. A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 233

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. A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 480

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. The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 411

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