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. Why is 4,840 square yards like a bad tooth ? Because it is an acre.

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. What has teeth but no mouth? A comb or a saw.

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. What did one tooth say to the other tooth? "Thar's gold in them thar fills."

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. What did the tooth say to the dentist? "Fill 'er up!"

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. How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white? BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

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. Beatrice Lillie (Lady Peel) was once accosted by a haughty old dowager who scrutinized her through her lorgnettes. "What lovely pearls, dear Beatrice," she maliciously remarked. "Are they real?" Yes, nodded Lady Peel. "Of course," the dowager declared, "you can always tell real pearls by biting them. May I try?" "Gladly," Lady Peel replied. "But remember, Duchess, you can't tell real pearls with false teeth."

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. Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it

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. Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night.

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. Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.

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. How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? Smack a monster.

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. Why didn't the monster use toothpaste? Because he said his teeth weren't loose.

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. Willie: "I have an awful toothache." Tommie: "I'd have it taken out if it was mine." Willie: "Yes, if it was yours, I would, too."

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. Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET !

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. Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

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. Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!

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. The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir." "What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss. "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that you, you old fool?"

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. Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

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. The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!" answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"

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. Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?" "No!" said Crumm. "What do you want, then?" "Nothing!" "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody. "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"

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. Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley. "I know," said Kelso. "But you do!"

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. A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey," said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar." The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

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. Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'

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. How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.

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. What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

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. What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? "Who said talk is cheap?"

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. Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.

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. If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.

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. What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth? Tooth (truth) or Consequences.

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. What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.

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. Why are false teeth like stars? Because they come out at night.

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. What do you get if you cross teeth with candy ? Dental floss !

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. What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ? The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !

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. If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get? Snippy answers.

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. What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.

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. Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).

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. Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).

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. How do Iranians speak on the telephone? Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).

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. How did the telephones get married ? In a double ring ceremony !

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. What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !

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. What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau ? A wedding ring !

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. What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ? A lot of crackling on the line !

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. When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!

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. Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.

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. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!

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. How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.

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. Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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. Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!

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. Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!

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. Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!

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. What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!

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